


5

by Lame_Writer



Series: Abandonment issues [5]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Boys In Love, Bullied Eddie Kaspbrak, Bullied Richie Tozier, Bullying, Crush at First Sight, Daddy Issues, Depression, Dorks in Love, Eddie Kaspbrak Loves Richie Tozier, Falling In Love, Fear, Fear of Rejection, Harassment, Heart Break, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, I Love You, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Insecure Richie Tozier, Insecurity, Internalized Homophobia, Issues, Love at First Sight, Lovesickness, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Movie: IT (2017), Oblivious Eddie Kaspbrak, Paranoia, Period-Typical Homophobia, References to Depression, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, Slow Burn, Trust Issues, anxious, insecure, pinning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:27:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26755033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lame_Writer/pseuds/Lame_Writer
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Series: Abandonment issues [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1891402
Kudos: 11





	5

Hours passed slowly but eventually, he was able to get sleep, the day broke while his eyes were closed and the light bled through his blankets. He felt the heat from the blankets and the sun hit where he laid. Letting out a groan, moving the blankets off his face lazily. His eyes quickly shutting again once the bright light hit his eyes. He felt the stinging pain of regret set in,  


'Did I really open up to her ?'  


He felt a bit of shame too. He thought he had to not show weakness to be a man. Not like he was anyway, but the need, the strive to be what society thought was normal was wrapped around his brain like a chain leash. A strong-hold that would be extremely difficult to break free from. He rolled out of bed again, doing the same thing as he did the night before - the ride to the bridge now had people of all ages playing, walking, talking, arguing. It was more tedious - more difficult not to hit a toddler running in front of the road because he felt like a god. He didn't want to be held responsible for something like that, he didn't have the money for a lawsuit - let alone medical bills the parents would chew him out for. When he got to the bridge the group was waiting for him, backs turned as they were distracted by each other. He set his bike down quietly and walked towards them, nervousness stinging his mind as he saw Eddie. He hoped he didn't look too out of place, same as always Richie Tozier they all knew - but, a part of him was itching at the thought, that Eddie was disgusted by being around him. Which only sunk his already low self-esteem further downhill.  


"What's up ? You all sitting pretty for someone ?" He jokingly struck up, making an entrance as they turn their head and look at him -  


"You're later than usual" Eddie remarks in a slightly worried tone, eyes scanning up and down his body - assumingely for bruises, cuts, infection - or some kinda injury he had gotten the night before.  
"Yeah ? And ? I was sleeping a little later, is that a crime now, dad ?" He laughed, getting a scoff from Eddie and a chuckle from Stan and Beverly.  


"Well, now that you're here - what now ? We were going to go to the movies and just see what's next after that" Beverly spoke with pride laced in her tone.  


"Yeah, sure - as long as we don't go to eds mom and-"  


"Shut the fuck up ! And don't fucking call me that, dipshit !"  


"Awe but it's suited you for so long" Richie made his tone sound exaggeratedly hurt, adding more to his 'joke' he was playing out. Eddie rolled his eyes and crossed his arms, huffing, and puffing again angrily. The others watched, as usual, it was like their own little movie all the time, some entertainment in their little fights - until it would get annoying.  


"Alright ladies, back it up" Beverly spoke again only a few moments later, making both of them go quiet for a short while.  


"I'm not a lady !" 

Eddie yelled, his shoulders rising in annoyance.  


"Because you know I'd be the best lady compared to you"  


"You're not, trashmouth !"  
Eddie stomped his left foot in protest, his face turning the slightest shade of red. Richie just laughed, his eyes shutting, and his smile wide.  


"Glad to see you too having fun, but we gotta get going -"  


"Isn't the movie, at like - night ??" 

Richie asked when he was more calmed down, wiping a tear from the corner of his eye as he turned his head to look at stan  


"Yes, but I'm pretty sure the arcade doesn't need to be watched at night"  
"When you're right, you're right, Stan the man" Richie pointed finger guns in stans direction and made a clicking sound. Stan chuckled to himself, waving his hand dismissively.  
"Fucks sake, rich" Beverly jokingly complained. the two boys stop arguing and look towards the others. Eddie still looked annoyed, at least to Richie - which only made him more entertained. Eddie facepalmed, tapping his foot impatiently until letting his hand slide off lazily from his face and hit his leg - slumping his shoulders before paranoia set in and straightened them again. His patience still lingering thin.  
"Are we going to go ? or are we going to be like Richie and just sit and do jackshit ?"  
"hey ! I'm very productive"  


"what 'productive' things do you do but think about girls ?" Eddie spat, still very much annoyed that they aren't doing anything - they all start walking, but that doesn't end the conversation.  


"oh dear, sweet eds - you have no idea what intelligent things go through my mind"  


"The only thing that goes through your mind is girls and sex" Eddie crosses his arms again, looking ahead of him while Richie continued to stare at Eddie.  
'well he's got the sex part right'  
he thought to himself, a smile still on his face - trying not to think about Eddie in such a way again. but he knew that wouldn't last very long. Richie felt his face heat up, he couldn't tell if it was from embarrassment, shame, or just even hinting at the thought of being with Eddie romantically. He shook it off as just being really close to him, but close friends, best friends - hell, even just friends don't want to kiss each other like that - or go further like that. Wanting to hold a friend like a lover - especially two boys ? it's unnatural ! He shivered, looking away for a few moments, not wanting to show weakness he looked back to Eddie. Not surprisingly he still wasn't looking in his direction, a part of him was hurt by that but he was confused about why.  
"Are you two done yet ?" Stan asked, looking at Eddie and Richie, arching his brow, awaiting from a response.  


"stan the man, when have I ever been done"  


"fair point-" Stan turned his head back ahead of him. Talking to Bill like nothing happened. Richie couldn't describe what was about the expression that made him uneasy as if he knew. Knowing the secret he so desperately tried to keep away from the eyes and ears of the public. His blood went cold for a bit; but, he didn't freeze up, didn't cry, didn't show his fear the best he could. He shifted around for a short moment - his body twitching.  


"what happened, Richie ?" Eddie questioned, he sounded worried as usual - but Richie wanted to assume it was just because he was a major germaphobe more than actually caring. He dryly chuckled and jokingly rolling his eyes before looking back at Eddie. He smiled, even if he forced it - he didn't want to say it was that way. He booped Eddie's nose, making him whine and swat Richie's hand away - getting a laugh out of Richie.  
"sweet, sweet little Eds - nothing happened"  
"don't fucking call me that ! It looked like you had a seizure standing up, dickwad"  


"It was probably just because I smelled your mom all the way from here"  


"shut the fuck up rich !"  


"But you love my voice, eds"  


"like a fucking toothache, asshole"  


"So you DO care ?"  


Eddie turned his head away,  


"beep beep Richie !"  
Richie sighed, crossing his arms and silently huffing and puffing, kicking stones at his feet as he shuffled - watching them stumble and tumble away in different directions. He continued to look down at the ground but staring at Eddie from the corner of his eye. Even if he were doing a joking attitude with him, he still couldn't stop staring at him. No matter how hard he tried to deny it. He felt his face heat up every time he looked at him, his heart practically melting at even the first hint of him being around, or even nearby. Richie bit his lip for a while, starting to get lost in thought - as if being chained down by his own fear and pent up frustration. His sexual frustration mixed with his own regular frustration didn't mix well in his head. He didn't have anyone to help, and doing it on his own only got him so far. His brain scattered, only seeming to hit the target of what his heart wanted, all of it only for Eddie.  


"You're being a fucking bitch, Tozier" he mumbled to himself, too lost in his self hateful thoughts.  


"Such a what ?" Eddie asked, sounding a bit offended. It was easy to rip Richie from his thoughts, he looked at Eddie with a confused look on his face, without saying a word.  


"Uh - Ed's, I don't know what-"  


"I know what I heard, Asshole !"  
He felt his blood go cold, his stomach dropped. His heart began to pound faster and faster - loud enough to hear the ring in his ears. He looked at Eddie, then to the side of him. Eddie snapped his fingers impatiently - the clicking made Richie look Eddie's way again. Richie's shoulders were slightly raised and froze as he tried his best to calm his panicked breaths.  


"What- ?"  


"You were talking about me - I heard !"  
Richie realized what he meant, sighing as his arms go at his sides and his shoulders relax. Letting out a heavy sigh, looking back to the ground and closing his eyes for a few moments before looking back at an agitated Eddie. Richie smiles, laughing quietly to himself - which didn't help Eddie's anger get any better.  


"What ?!"  


"Eds, I wasn't talking about you - I was just talking telling myself something to remember '' He continued to giggle a little bit longer before stopping, going into silence while looking at him. Richie's head tilting down when explaining - he didn't know how to tell him, and didn't know how to open up. Why should he ? He looked back to Eddie who was still looking at him with a confused face, his expression as if he were processing what he was saying; until, Eddie's face started turning red out of embarrassment, his fists clenching at his sides before unfolding and putting his hands over his face to let out a groan. Richie laughed again, nudging Eddie's arm with his elbow, a playful, gentle...as he could. Eddie flinched when he was touched even in a joking manner, his hands moving from his face back to his sides, his shoulders raised and his fists tightly clenched. His fists were shaking and Richie could see Eddie's knuckles faintly, turning white.  
"Look out Edwardo, you're gonna get your nails stuck in your palms - and I'm not gonna save your sorry ass"  


"Shut the fuck up, Richie !" Eddie barked, his hands no longer fists out of paranoia. Letting out a shaky breath as he looked ahead of him at everyone else, still distracted with their own conversations. Richie would be lying if he didn't say he didn't feel the slightest bad, but he didn't really want to show he was sorry - even if he unintentionally hurt Eddie's feelings somehow.  


"You're not mad are you ?"  


"Just shut up about it" Eddie blurted, rolling his eyes annoyingly.  


"Besides, why would YOU care, Tozier," Eddie remarked, biting his inner gum to shut himself up as if he were about to scream out something he'd regret later on in life.  
'Eddie was always the paranoid one' Richie thought to himself, chuckling at the thought. He watched how quickly Eddie was to react to his every move, and word. It always seemed to spark some kind of conversation - good, bad, or indifferent. The others listened in on the argument, or what they assumed was an argument - to Richie, it felt like he had his own little slice of heaven when with Eddie, and even when arguing he saw some bliss in it - just because it was with Eddie. As much as he hated to admit, he just wanted to hear his voice, as long as he wasn't in pain - that's the only time he could get away with showing how much he worried about Eddie, the only time he could sound concerned, or even panicked and get away with it. They'd assume it was just 'brotherly love' or 'close bonds' hell, even 'best friends looking out for each other'. He hates those terms used in him and Eddie, it seemed as if they put a blanket of denial over them - it would somehow make it disappear. He knew no one supported him in this town, besides his friends; and, even then how could he be so sure. It was a fake love he didn't want to experience again, the toxins he was so used to made him paranoid of the people around him doing the same as what has been done to him before.  


"You're too paranoid, Eds, lighten up a bit !"  


"Oh haha - so fucking funny ! I can lighten up — I've been - lighten up before, what do you mean ?!"  


"Exactly what I mean"  


"What is that supposed to mean dickwad ?!"  
Richie laughed, making Eddie scrunch his nose in frustration - shoving him again. Richie nearly fell over, he smiled more as he laughed louder.  


"You're so fun to torment eds"  


"Stop fucking calling me that ! Fucking - is it THAT hard ?!"  


"Yes, it is - I have something called - I don't give a fuck itice"  


"Fuck off already ! Fucking Christ, Richie !"  


"Ah but Ed-"  


"I think you've tortured him enough, Richie" Stan eventually piped up. Smiling as he turned to the two boys behind him - Eddie still seemed very annoyed, but Richie caved in and just shrugged. He was silent though, and didn't seem too upset - far from it in fact.  


"Tortured ? You call that tortured ??"  


"You want him to continue again ?"  
Eddie went silent after that for a few moments, as if contemplating his answer like its life or death. He shook his head no - huffing again as Stan rolled his eyes and turned back ahead of him. Eddie kept looking at the ground and then back at Richie - thinking Richie didn't notice since his eyes were looking straight ahead. He forgot about how you can look from the corner of your eye and have no one notice that. He wanted to keep staring but his mind had no bounds when it came to his paranoia. Richie tried to keep his trap shut, thinking of how it was cute that Eddie was staring so intently. He didn't know why exactly he was starring, or what he was thinking - but he wished he could understand. They soon made it to the park - Beverly moved back to the two boys and elbowed Richie's arm. Making him flinch and move to the right for a split second on impulse, he laughed and shoved her back which made her bump into Eddie. They both nearly fell even if he didn't push her that hard, yet Beverly wasn't mad. She didn't get upset that easily.  


Eddie was going to say something but was cut off by Beverly shoving bill which made him accidentally playfully shove Eddie.  


"S-suh-suh-sorry Eddie"  


"No one can keep their hands off you huh, Eds"  


"All you talk about is little ole Eddie here, what's up with that ?" Beverly teased, Richie looking panicked for a few moments before thinking of an excuse.  


"He's the funniest to get a reaction out of, he's like a little time bomb"  


"Whatever you say rich, whatever you say" she sounded like she doubted it as if she knew. But he didn't dwell on it too long - if he did he would've probably had a panic attack on the spot. He just laughed it off as usual. He wanted to downplay as much of his negative feelings as possible, you can't be the funny guy when you're seen as just depressing. So he wanted to give a false image of himself - even if playing as the fool. It was better than playing alone.  


"And just so you know, I'm not that little"  


"Eds you're like a chihuahua, it's a fact"  
Eddie stomped his foot for a few moments, his nose scrunching in annoyance.  


"Richie, just shut up already" with how serious Eddie was all the times, this one seemed to be the coldest, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly as his chest began to ache. His forced smile became a bit shakier as the glare he was given felt so much worse than it normally ever did. He didn't want to believe he was hated by his first and only love, but his mind began to poke anxious thoughts into him like needles.  


"you're such a fucking asshole, Richie"  
Eddie mutters, his eyes looking down at the ground.  
"awe Ed's you know you don't mean that" Richie denies, wrapping an arm over and around Eddie's shoulder - pulling him close before Eddie could react other than a startled yelp.  


"You're so fucking annoying"  


They all go in little groups to do their own thing, of course, Richie was determined to be stuck with Eddie - much to Eddie's complaining about rather being around someone else.  


"look, Eddie ed's - you can hang out with anyone else at the festival and the movies"  


"We're going to all be together, douchebag"  


"sour as always little Eddie ?"  
Eddie just bites the inside of his cheek and shakes his head as they walk together down the path, Richie tried to peel his eyes off of Eddie but he couldn't. He was truly eye candy, a sight for sore eyes - and he wanted to kiss him, tell him he loved him. But that couldn't be right - love is between a man and a woman..wasn't it ? He didn't wish to dwell on the hurtful thoughts that ran rapid in his brain. He was close enough to Eddie to feel their fingers brush against each other, making Richie's face heat up. His heart started to pound faster as his throat became dry. It didn't seem like Eddie noticed, or did he just not care ?  


"fucking faggots !"  
someone yelled, making the two boys flinch and turn around to the sound of the hateful shout. It wasn't anyone they recognized, smirks on the small group's faces as they nudged each-other in encouragement.  


"Dirty fucking man whores ! You are nothing but filthy fucking fairies !"  


"We aren't even dating, ass wipes - and we're not gay !" 

Eddie shouted back, which made the group leave after a short moment of silence. Richie didn't know what hurt more, what the strangers said, or what Eddie said. Even if Eddie said it in self-defense and explosive impulses. It just got to him - a frown on Richie's face as he still stared at where the group of people once were, he was frozen. He felt his heartache once again. His legs subtly shaking, not being seen while being covered by his faded jeans, but felt like a mini earthquake to him. He was fighting back tears as the words replayed in his head. He suddenly felt a shake to his left arm, making him jolt and look towards Eddie - forcing down the tears successfully.  


"Ignore those dickheads ok ? They're just trying to spread shit that isn't true"  
Eddie tried to reassure in a mutter between them, but that didn't help at all - in fact, only made things worse. Richie forced a smile as a dry laugh left his aching throat. Nodding, which made Eddie smile as he playfully punched Richie's arm.  


"Don't tell me those assholes hurt you"  
Eddie joked, making the two laugh as Richie rolled his eyes - shoving Eddie a bit in retaliation.  


"Yeah, like some stereotypical assholes can make ME upset - in your dreams, Edwardo"

"Don't kill the moment"

Eddie laughs, Richie does too - but the hurt is masked by the smile. Did he not have a chance after all ? Why was he even hoping for one ? He knew he never stuck a chance with someone like Eddie anyway.


End file.
